It has been such a hard fall. The weather is getting to me; it is so gray, and it feels like the gray seeps everywhere and dims everything, dulls all the colors. The solstice is approaching, and the darkness feels relentless. But the worst part, of course, is that my brain is broken. I keep running into the same wall, I crash in the same way over and over, and I can’t put the pieces back together again; every attempt to do so somehow leaves me even more jagged and misshapen. I try new meds and go back off them because at the very least they don’t seem to do anything helpful, and sometimes it feels like they are making things worse. I can’t really tell, though, what it is exactly that’s making everything so horrible. As usual, I conclude that the world actually is that awful, and also I am a moral failure, and that explains everything.
I’ve loved the idea of joy as radical resistance for a few years now. And your post had me thinking about Julian of Norwich even before you brought her up!
Mostly, though, I hear everything you’re saying about how hard life is for you right now, and I mourn with you in that even as I also rejoice with your rejoicing. Gaudete!
Sheila-- I just wanted you to know you have an "in the darkest pit" colleague-- that for over 50 of my 71 years, depression has been a more or less my constant companion. Numerous counseling and group therapies, medications, several episodes of suicidal thoughts, made me feel that the Psalm "De profundis" was written especially for me! The demons of isolation, hopelessness are so overwhelming, knowing the world holds even greater horrors, leads only to feelings of guilt and unworthiness. Why would God (or anyone else?) pay attention? Thank you for sharing your journey-- there always IS God's light in the darkest corner. At this moment-- it is you. Millie
This is such a remarkable idea, Sheila! I love the thought of joy as a radical resistance to the awfulness of the world.
Also, I so hope for you that ECT helps or that some other way your depression lifts. I'm sorry you so often have to slog through it.
Thanks! The idea of joy as resistance is something that has really gotten me thinking.
I’ve loved the idea of joy as radical resistance for a few years now. And your post had me thinking about Julian of Norwich even before you brought her up!
Mostly, though, I hear everything you’re saying about how hard life is for you right now, and I mourn with you in that even as I also rejoice with your rejoicing. Gaudete!
Ahh, Julian. Always good to bring her to mind! Thanks, friend.
Sheila-- I just wanted you to know you have an "in the darkest pit" colleague-- that for over 50 of my 71 years, depression has been a more or less my constant companion. Numerous counseling and group therapies, medications, several episodes of suicidal thoughts, made me feel that the Psalm "De profundis" was written especially for me! The demons of isolation, hopelessness are so overwhelming, knowing the world holds even greater horrors, leads only to feelings of guilt and unworthiness. Why would God (or anyone else?) pay attention? Thank you for sharing your journey-- there always IS God's light in the darkest corner. At this moment-- it is you. Millie
Thank you so much, Millie. And I'm so sorry that you've been haunted by this particular demon for so long as well. Solidarity and love!